anchrstyreflcts

01:27 am: I don't think I ever want to leave Chicago.

10:42 pm: The Mighty Mike Mcgee!
( An Open Letter to Neil Armstrong )

09:57 pm: for whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / it's always ourselves we find in the sea

Woooow.
I have not looked at livejournal in awhile.
It's funny how you rediscover the things that helped you procrastinate when you have writer's block.
It's funnier to think where I was the last time I really ever read or looked at livejournal.
Time goes faster than I thought.
I miss livejournal, let's keep updating on stuff. We can all stay in touch better that way. Plus, reading is good for you.
I'm directing that toward Alex, Mark, and Austin because I'm pretty sure you three are the only people that read this that extend past  the title "livejournal friend"...

10:11 pm: 'Cause I was made for loving you, And all the little things you do, Remind me who I am inside
 I've never been this happy.

08:45 pm:  Holy crap. I'm going to college.

10:29 pm: I want bones like iron, blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising
 I'm starting to have a rather unhealthy relationship with livejournal. I often find myself sitting at my computer starring into the empty text box trying to organize my thoughts. That has gotten increasingly difficult as I've found that there's a fine line between what I want people to know and what they actually want to know. And there's always the risk of writing something vague (case and point, this post) and having people who read this think they've done something wrong. Which is not true of this post because the more I think about everything, the more I realize how horribly immature and petty I can be. This almost disappoints me more than if it were someone else making me feel upset. I feel as though I haven't had much of a choice but to be mature and it's unfair to myself and to those I care about to act in any other way. It isn't who I am. So then I, of course, wonder why I act like such an incredibly petty bitch. 

So, that means the first step is taken care of, I've noticed a flaw in my personality that does not settle. However, the second step is much more difficult because the more I act this way, the more I become angry with myself, but I know that change does not happen overnight. It'd be unrealistic to assume that if something that would normally prompt me to act bitchy were to happen tomorrow and I'd be 100% okay. This leads me to a problem that I believe goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned issue: I'm impatient.

And then this is where I begin to feel horrible. I do know that somewhere, I do have good qualities, I'm just having a really difficult time seeing past these huge negative aspects of how I've been acting right now. There are a handful of people that I believe will be in my life, in someway, shape, or form for a very long time, if not forever. I don't know what I'd do if they gave up on me because I used up all my chances. 

Mr. Opp and Mrs. Eblen gave very similar life lessons. They both stressed the importance of remaining true to who you are. Mr. Opp said that if you do that, everything else falls into place. Which, I think explains why I feel so unsettled. When I act like this, I am not being myself, hence, things don't fall into place. Which is the silver lining. I know I overeact. That's okay. But the actual part of me that I'm unhappy with, is technically not me. I'll be okay. Summer will do me some good.

10:48 pm: I will go into more detail once I've organized my thoughts, but I've never been so proud of so many people at once. And I love them all. 

10:43 am:  Must get out of house....

11:59 pm: Yes of course, I am speaking in metaphors for something more in your heart
 A noiseless, patient spider,
I mark'd, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark'd how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch'd forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them--ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,--seeking the spheres, to
connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form'd--till the ductile anchor
hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul.
- Walt Whitman

12:31 am: Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy

I'm not using livejournal as a tool to gain pity or to place blame on anyone, but I've had a really shitty weekend. I'm probably being selfish or immature by saying this, but everyone has been really apathetic towards me this weekend. And probably just in general. I hate being forced into things that I shouldn't be involved in and being ignored or not included from what I care a great deal about. And I know I'm probably going to regret posting actual feelings which is why I wrote my first sentence as a preface that this honestly isn't directed toward anyone. And I'm probably just being a complete bitch, but I do feel as though everyone is entitled to a little livejournal venting. I figure it's my fault for being too pathetic or too slow or too afraid to say how I actually feel, or that maybe that the people who don't care have a good reason. But I'm probably just exaggerating. Either way, I'll get over it.